Monday, February 25, 2013

Get A Massage Why Don't Ya

After my crappy performance the other day in yoga I took a different route this week.  Went to the Y.  And no I didn't take the geriatric swim aerobics.  Even though after watching them I think they could kick my butt.

Anyhoo, after that I rewarded myself with a massage.  No, not a do it yourself massage or even a cheesy mall massage.  The good kind.  In a spa. With tinkling water and soothing music.  (I did pee before though so I wouldn't hear all that water and have to go like last time)  

Dear merciful goddess.   Why don't I do this every freaking week???  Then I probably wouldn't care so much about losing a few lbs.  Seriously, I think I drooled.  I tried my best not to moan like a cow giving birth.   This gal was so amazing that I realized my toes were stretching apart like Aquaman.  

My hour went by like seconds.  When she was done I had to restrain myself from asking if I could pay extra and stay the night in that room under the heated blanket.   I had dinner and homework facing me.  Boys with questions that I don't know the answers to. ( I am the queen of googling homework questions behind their backs and pretending I know the answers) A dining room table with at least 2 loads of laundry waitng to be put up.  Nooooooo, please don't make me leave.

But, leave I did.  I'll be back.  And no way in hell am I waiting so long to do it again.

This was me.  Only without the flower.  And I'm blonde.  And my back and arms aren't that skinny.  Or flawless.  Or tan.  But, yeah that's me.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Help! My Zen Is Gone

I hate exercise.  But, If I have to do it I like to do fun stuff.  Like Zumba, kick boxing (take that you effing box of brownies) and my fav yoga.   And for all of you that exercise know that if you slack for a couple of weeks you feel it.  And I felt it this morning.   Back to yoga after a couple of weeks.   I looked like a novice or green horn.  Usually I jump right in and do fine.  Not today my friends.   It was pathetic.  I was the girl that I usually sneer at for not knowing her yoga shit in class. 

With yoga my mind usually goes all zen and mushy. The room is heated to 90 degrees.  My fav instructor uses words like "organic" and "juicy".   She loves to mold you in position and massage your neck no matter how sweaty you are.  I usually come out of that class feeling like a goddess woman of the earth wanting something like bean sprouts and sex when it's over. 

Today. Well, today you would have never known I have taken a class in my life.   My downward dog was crazy sad. My Yin/Yang was nowhere to be found. I was sweating so hard you could hear my sweat plopping on mat.  Even the groovy zen music didn't help.  My mind was not calm and void. It felt like Atari pong was bouncing around in there.  I was just praying I wouldn't projectile vomit or cry before it was over.  Even the Grandma who rocks the class (and farts) was looking at me like "what the hell"? 

I slinked out of there when it was over.  Scared my yogi card would be revoked.   I'm hoping it was a fluke and not a sign of things to come.  So, I went home took a pain pill and crawled into bed.  

I'll try again Monday.  If it doesn't work then then I guess it's water aerobics at the Y........(noooooooooooooooooooooooooo)

Friday, February 22, 2013

My Friday

My Friday

Today I needed one of those beefy bodyguards all the stars have.  Not for paparazzi protection but to lug all my groceries in.   

Amazing how quick teenage boys will clean their rooms when you take their phones....15 minutes flat.

Spent almost a million dollars  on groceries today.  Boys came home rummaged around kitchen saying "there's nothing to eat".   Boys will now be eating leftovers from Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday tonight.

Archie's out of town so I spritzed some Febreeze around house and called it cleaned.

And my Friday is done.  Whew, exhausting.  All that's left is cocktail hour and smut on my Kindle. 

  Spring needs to get here like now.  Seriously,  I need some warmth and sunshine or there's going to be some sort of bad event where I'm in the paper....

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Teaching My Boys To Play With Fire

As my boys get older it gets harder to find things to do together that don't require a password and charger.   But I try.  Because I actually like my teens right now.  They are hysterically funny.  

So, last night I asked (hollered up the stairs) "what do you want for dinner"??
No response from either one.  Ok. I hate playing the dinner game.

I started a fire in my little fire pit and used loud key words like "whoa!! those flames are huge!!"   "look at all this smoke"!  and Yum!  Weenies are so much better cooked over a fire"... (Beavis and Butthead went through my mind "Fire,Fire! huh huh)

Lo and behold within 4 minutes both boys were out back roasting weenies.

Tip to self:  Mention playing with fire to teens and their in.....

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I Don't Do Winter

In my endeavor to prove to strangers and friends how deep my love is for warm weather, last year I wore flip flops year round.  Yup.  Year round.  I wore other shoes and boots and whatnot.  But, not a week went by where I did not wear flip flops to work, church, school etc....

This year I have had an unintentional goal to wear some form of my pajamas until the weather reaches 60-65 degrees consistently.  I prefer 80-85 but I will trade my pj's for mid sixties.  It started harmlessly enough.  Old yoga pants that I wear to bed.  Sweatshirt over jammie top. Then as it got colder matching flannel sets. By January it was complete with robe, slippers, toboggan. Yes I have turned into one of "those" moms.....  If I'm not working that day it's what I'm wearing.  In line to school?  jammies.  If I have to get out and run into store I will pull a big hoodie over it all.  To all you moms who berate this behavior I say go &^%$ yourself.  Don't judge and keep your "take a few minutes to fix up" tips to  yourself.   I've been a mom for 23 years and am not taking advice from young moms who still are concerned about their precious babies poop color.....

I hate cold-coldish-semi-cold weather.  Bring on the heat Meat.   40 days til April 1st and counting....... 

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Not A Mommy Blogger

I love love love reading blogs.  Especially hysterically funny blogs.  I wish I had started blogging when my boys were little.  I would probably be a little more sane today if I had, cause not to top your precious angels but mine did some funny shit in their day.  But, some of these "Mommy Bloggers" take the cake.  

Today, I read a blog where this mom stated her favorite things were BREASTFEEDING, doing her part for the environment by USING CLOTH DIAPERS and TALKING WITH HER HUSBAND ABOUT HIS JOB.  Yup.  I had to re-read this to make sure she wasn't joking.  Nope.   Are you effing kidding me??  I'm imaging this poor gal with no alcohol, no cable, and no 50 Shades of Grey loaded on her Kindle.....

I swear if I was drinking milk or anything (liquor) actually, it would have shot out my nose.  I'm a mom who blogs.  Not a mommy blogger.  Apparently, there's a difference.....

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Janie's Got A Gun

A couple of Christmas's ago I got the boys a Red Ryder BB gun.   Just for kicks.  Didn't know how much they would love it.   We leave it by the back door and someone is always randomly taking it out back to shoot.   

When the weather is nice I have been catching myself taking the bb gun out more frequently.  Like every day.   The boys are impressed and I feel like Annie Oakley.

Today my faithful bird dog Sugar and I  took out 6 out of 6 cans in a row.  Then massacred an orange.  Watch out folks.  Janie's got a gun.  (Teresa Jane)

Bet the FBI or some other secret agents are going to be calling me.  Now that I'm a sharpshooter and all..........

The Day Of Love?

Today is the day of love.   Well, that's what my day minder tells me.   And for the fact I had to run out last night and get tokens of affection for my teenage boys girlfriends? special friends? best friends?  I like you friends?  Not sure what to call them.  

Talk about pressure.  I'm in charge of these so called tokens of affection.  Just like a guy huh?  Getting someone else to get his gal a Valentine.   That's ok though.  Gives me more control on how this "token" is interpreted.    I don't want to get something large and garish that screams" I'm only 14 but I love you and I'm needy"!!  I think something small, tasteful and cute that says "hey, if we break up next week that's ok"!   

I've never been a Valentines Day gal.   Having someone forced to get their significant other a token of their love just because this day says so.   Ugh.  I'm very lucky Archie feels the exact same way.  Maybe even more so.   He came home last night cussing like a sailor due to all the couples waiting for tables the day before Valentines.  And then a guy had the audacity  to propose to his girlfriend over some wings and tied up the table........ Ah, Archie you make my heart flutter..........

Surprise me.  I don't want a cheesy card that I'm going to throw away.  I certainly don't need any candy.   Clean the garage.   Do something around the house without being asked.   Act like you care when I discuss how I fixed the broken faucet and how many naps I took that day.   Or, how about you cleaning my car, putting air in my tires, organizing my tool box or getting my weed eater to crank.  (But, If you touch my mower, I'll kill ya)  
Now, these are the things that are sure to get you to 3rd base.  ;)    But, don't do any of them on Valentines.  You won't even get a sexy glance if you pull that crap.  

These are the mean girls who grew up and are now on FB

Cleaned 3 bathrooms (2 of those used by males) this morning with the good gloves (for Valentines)  Just another reminder to me that V-Day is full of shit......

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Awesome First 2 Weeks of School. Not


Well so much for my relaxing 2 weeks I give myself when school starts!    Last Friday my youngest came home with a fever, cough, snot etc.   Knocked out our family weekend.  (poor fella, wasn't his fault)   Missed first home football game at their school. Some of my GF's were texting me where I was since it was so crowded.  I told them I'm "over here, in green (school colors)"   Kept playing that game til about half time where I finally told told them I wasn't really there.   LOL   One of my gals got pissy cause she swore she saw a glimpse of me.  Very entertaining for a Friday night for me at least! 

Now, it's Tuesday and son #2 is home with Strep.  I was knee deep in trying to finish staining my new Good Will desk when the school nurse called.  Of course.   So, I had to go to the school with wood stain all over me while my feet still looked liked K-Mart feet from the previous day of staining. ( I really should wear shoes more) And of course the new principal is in the office when I come flying in looking like an extra from Honey Boo Boo. 

Finished desk with a few brain cells missing from the fumes.   Follow the directions folks!!   Ventilation is apparently a must.    

The Hubster comes in last night from work and smells the fumes, sees the office (trying to re-arrange office with a million trailing cords makes him think a bomb or something went off) and looks at the zombie boys laying on couch.  Asks me "how on earth did the boys get sick within the first 2 wks of school??"   Ok  Moms, we all know that's exactly why they are sick.  School started!!!  Duh!! 100's of kids wandering around probably not washing their hands since they left home (mine included)  touching everything and everyone.   Sometimes I think my husband is brilliant.  Other times not so much..........

Now, my house is clean and I am watching men scurry to install my new fiber optic tv and internet.   I still am unsure about the fiber optic thing.  Makes me think of those Christmas trees that the branches light up in different colors.... Oh, well  doesn't matter as long as I'm getting rid of the dish.  I swear, if a light breeze came through it went out.   But, I get to play with new internet and tv!!  Whoop whoop!!   Well, after they get through of course, and tell me they have run into a problem of course and I take one of the boyos to the orthodontist........but, after all that I'll get to play with new tv and internet!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

My Quest for Downton Abbey

Most of you know that I will do anything to avoid going outside when it's under 62 degrees.    But, today I needed  to get out.   You see, I have gotten sucked into the divine Downton Abbey.   I'm hooked.  Most ardently. (Thank you, Mr. Darcy)   Seriously.  I can't wait for Sunday nights to turn to PBS. (No, I'm not 70)  I have started watching this series in the 3rd season.  I need the 1 & 2 seasons to feel complete.   I need it.   It's like my tv crack.  My last stop on my crazy quest to find this was at Target where Einstein in electronics asks if I would like him to check in the back with his stupid superior fancy target gun. Duh, of course. please.

"Ma'am," (I effing hate being called that)   it shows there is one here somewhere.    Pause.     Here's where the stare off begins.  I don't know if he is waiting for me to say "it's ok, I don't really need it"    or what.   So, I give the universal shaking of the head as in "Yes, red shirt dickwad, I have been everywhere looking for this DVD so please take your fancy schmancy gun and find the mother effing DVD!!!!   

Of course, after a lengthy search by my special Target friend the DVD was not to be found.  But, If I want to check back later in the week maybe it will be in!

So, tonight instead of sitting in to watch 16 hours of Downton Abbey for the next 2 days I will just be here.   Bitching about it.  Lucky you.......

Fiber Optics and KMart Feet


What a day.   I have been staining an old desk for 3 days that I got at Good Will.(hey, don't knock it.  A bargain is a bargain)  and it's funky and solid wood.  Which was nicer than all the desks I have looked at over the last few weeks.  My husband and I have been sharing a cutesy Target desk.  Tiny, but cute.  Not efficient for 2 people thought. 

 I was almost through when someone came to the door.  Joy!  The new fiber optics guy to get started on our change from Dish to well, fiber optics??   All I know is I get to play with a new tv system!! Yay!  (these things make me happy, don't judge.)  Was sooooo tired of our dish cutting out everytime the wind blew.

  Anywhoo, back to fiber optics guy.  Did I mention his muscle shirt and tattoos????  After confirming who he was (really, I should ask for ID but I was too excited to get new TV service)  I was in back of house working on staining my cool desk and singing to my IPod at the top of my lungs.   I realized my back porch was open where neighbors and  fiber optic guy could all hear.   Why was I singing some dumb song from High School Musical?????  And then why was the next song "Call Me Maybe" ??????   Gahhhhh,  then when he had a question I noticed him looking down.  Ugh,  I had furniture stain all over my feet and legs.   I had nasty K-mart looking feet.

Well, there went my "hey, I'm a hip and edgy Mom".  to  I'm a freak Mom this fiber optic guy telling all his co-works what a moron lived at my address.  Now,  If any of you Mom are saying you have never been in that situation I say your a liar.   To my BFF's and fav peeps  I'm sure I'll get some smart ass text tomorrow over this!!!!   Super.

Saturday, February 9, 2013



Omg, TGIF, WTH and anything else that can sum up a Friday  for the first week of school.  I am a sun shiny morning person at 630.  Not at 530.   That one hour makes the difference between crazy mom signing last minute forms and yelling crap! while throwing pop tarts and sweet lovely Mom standing on the porch with her 2nd cup of coffee seeing off her children after making sure they had a nutritious breakfast. (well, warm at least) 

  My darling teenagers have apparently forgotten the number 1 rule.  Mom will make sure everything works out fine for your day if YOU DO NOT SPEAK TO ME UNTIL I HAVE HAD MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.  I will even get up 5 minutes early to get down to kitchen to have said cup of coffee.  Please, please do not follow me down asking where your favorite shirt is.  (I try to head this particular question off by having all shirts HANGING IN CLOSETS!!  Not sure why they don't look there first.  

So,  now I feel better after that little rant.   I hope everyone has a zippity doo dah Friday

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Friday, February 8, 2013



Most people don't realize I have a hairdresser issue.    Since my fav stylist left town years ago I have searched unsuccessfully for a replacement.  After disaster after disaster I just usually get a horrible once a year haircut and color.  Did I say horrible??  I meant a freaking disaster.  So, to save me money and the anguish I just let my hair go.  Go you say??  Yes, As in not brushing it all summer after swimming go.....As in borderline dreads go.    I love my delusional world where I just imagine everyone thinks I have long, blonde bohemian locks.  I don't even want to know realistically what it really looks like.....  

 So, today I went off on my usual yearly nightmare to a new stylist.  (Oh, did I mention I had a 50% coupon?? lol maybe that's one of my problems!!)   After being greeted by a semi-goth looking 20 yr. old I smirked to myself and said "here we go again".  After concluding what I was "going for" as far as color I sat back waiting for the "fun" to begin.  Hmmmm,  why wasn't she blathering my ear off about useless shit???  (useless to me, I might add.  Others may enjoy it)    I just want to add my last experience with a hairdresser (I refuse to call her stylist) was on a referral. She was young and  and talked about how "she doesn't know why she stays so thin, she can eat anything" "(hey bitch, we all could when we were your age. Crank out 3 gigantic boys and hit your 40's and let's see how you look then shall we??) all the while slopping gloop on my hair that she swears is what I need.......A real snore fest.  I didn't care what I looked like I just wanted out.   Well, I looked like I had black sideburns.(I'm a blonde) I thought maybe it's just me.  Let's sleep on it and look at it in the morning.  Well, I slept on it and shampooed it oh, about 7 times.  reddish black side burns.  They apparently call those low-lights.  I called the salon and spoke with Snookie (not her real name, I have no idea what is) who very slowly said all I need to do was give it a shampoo in Dawn Dishwasing detergent.   DId you catch that???  Effing Dawn.    Well, my point is after $130 I think Snookie ought to wash my head with Dawn.   The Dawn just made it dark dark orange.  So, that is just one of my hairdresser horror stories hence why I tried again today.

  But, Hallelujah!!!  What a fabulous experience!! While our next chair patron prattled on about her upcoming trip to Uganda to read to kids (Um, I know of kids at my own sons school who need help with reading, and oh don't have enough to eat either)  just saying.  And her victory over Nutella  being claimed not healthy!  wow.  My gal (lets call her Bella)  It's not but I like Twilight.   stayed silent and did her job thoroughly  (you could tell)  Asked me a few pertinent questions about my family and that was it.  Sat with me during processing and didn't act like she had to sit with the overweight (well!!) middle age hag.  Loved her!!   My hair looks fab.  My boys did not ask "what happened" when they saw me.  Love it!!   So, my point is don't judge a book blah blah blah and keep trying??

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Older Posts

Thought I would throw some older posts your way.  Lucky you!

Back pack shopping with my teenage boys.  It's going to be a long school year..............

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My Social Media Free Week

So,  I did it.   I took a week off from Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, email, etc.   The first 2 days felt like I was coming off crack.   I guess.  I've never tried crack but I would imagine this is what it felt like. ( no offense to crack heads who are really coming off crack)   I have just gotten so tired of boring posts, Tweets, and whatnot. I wanted to take a week off to see if I was missing anything and to see if I could.    Well, I can.  And I'll be honest.  After checking my FB this morning I have missed NADA, ZIP,NOTHING.

How liberating!   Of course, it gave me not much to blog about.  I don't think someone wanting my birthday for their fb calendar was too news worthy.  A few messages from some fam and friends but nothing exciting.  And Pinterest.  Don't get me started.  I have boards full of crap.  You know I'm truly not going to make any of that s^%#.   And I'm tired of wasting an hour finding stuff I like.  I could be napping.

Which, is what I did this past week instead of being on my computer. And phone. 

I napped.  Read a ton of books. Caught up on Downton Abbey.  Worked (just a little!).  Napped some more.  
Kind of like hibernating.  Which is all I want to do in the winter.   C'mon April 1st.   (55 more days)  

For all of you social media ho's out there.  Take a break. You won't miss much.  I promise.  

Friday, February 1, 2013

Snow Days

Whew,   We made it through 5 whole school days.   No 2 hour delays due to wind.  No off days due to potential "black ice"  (it's a myth around here)  5 days in a row is brutal for my clan.  I actually worked a few days myself.  And yes I got dressed and put on makeup.  No, I didn't wear my jammies and robe like I normally do.

Hubs aka Archie was thrilled.  He thinks all our off days from school are hokey.  It drives him absolutely ballistic when he has to jaunt off to work and we are lounging around AGAIN for some weird school's out day.   (I adore these days and usually send him off with a "have a good day, cause I know we will!!" and a cackle.  Burn.

We are lucky to live in the south because if our favorite meteorologist throws 2-3 snowflakes on the screen then it sends everyone  into a frenzy and  is usually a sure bet there will be some school closings. 

 The texts will fly, the speculations endless, the grocery stores are first to be interviewed about their status of milk and bread. Because, there is only a freaking grocery store every mile and the speculation is that we will get snowed in with 2 inches and need to make a bunch of sandwiches and wash them down with milk. ( Hasn't happened)  And there is always the toothless goober who is frantically throwing his/her groceries in the car while talking about hurrying to get home and looking up at the sky like a giant Swiss avalanche is going to hurtle down on them.

Seriously, around here if there is a hint of snow all the kids will wear their pajamas inside out.  really.   Hey, I do it too.  Cause nothing is more fun than a snow day.  With or without snow.