Sunday, December 30, 2012

My Once A Year Movie Review

Hubs and I went for our once a year movie date over the holidays.   We went to see "So This Is 40?"    Yet again I pick a movie that the only funny parts are the previews.   Le sigh.   Hubs is not a movie guy and usually I'm laughing like a hyena while he's sighing and looking at his watch.    If you are dying to see this movie and don't want to know anything then don't read any further.  I will so spoil it for you.   

First off, Hubs and I aren't prudes.  He's in the restaurant business and can cuss like a sailor and in Spanish too. (thank you illegal cooks)  I only say bad things when the kiddies can't hear me.   And when it finally comes out I get quite creative.   Hubs can't stand to hear potty filth out of my mouth but it turns him on when I txt it.  Go figure.   Sitting in a theater and having eff you and every bad word hurled at you loudly in the first 30 seconds can throw off any cuss word connoisseur. C'mon give me the plot first! Then feel free to throw that crap at me.    The parents in this movie were horrible parents.  Kids were cussing and being horrible (mine would have been beaten) I mean narcissistic comes to mind with these folks and trust me I know narcissism

Parents that are calm when $20,000 is stolen from Mom's boutique and Dad not telling Mom that they are going under and have to sell the house, but in the next scene are at a posh hotel eating pot brownies because they are so stressed.........(all scenes  from this movie)  Puh-leeze.  Stress?   Um, in the real world (at least to me)  going under means going under as in we are eating beans & weenies like forever.  And pot??  What parent can afford drugs these days??   It's cheap beer and wine for all the parents I know.  Dulls the pain of parenting...

Ok, I'm done.  I hope this gets this freaking bad movie off my mind.  And if you go see it I hope you enjoy it better than I did.  I'd rather watch Twilight for the 74th time on my DVR........

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Read More Smut

Ahhhh,   All my Christmas crap is packed up.  Took a yummy yoga class this morning.  Watched some gal do a freehand handstand (I know there is a better term...) next to me.  WTF.   Then  was singing at the top of my lungs in car.  Set Fire To The Rain.   Then I found myself analyzing this great song.  How the hell is she setting fire to rain??   Watching it pour as I touch your face??  Is she touching his face and also holding a lighter?   I really need to work on clearing my brain because it definitely thinks too much.

My BFF wants me to go see Les Mis with her.   I can't do it.   I read the book.  I cried.  I can't forcibly make myself go to a movie that I know is going to make me cry.

Now comes my least favorite 3 months.  Nothing but gray, cold weather.  And layering.  I hate layering.   In the south we don't even get much of a chance of snow so it's sooooooo boring.  I need sunshine, swimming pools and baseball to be a happy gal.  

But I'm ready and stocked.  I started a beginners crochet book.  (lol Am I 70?)  I have downloaded my Kindle to the gills with all kinds of vampires, smut and more smut.  I have a new Disney puzzle (lol OMG I am 70)  and have raided all our closets for my EBay corner.  (sniff, sniff, good-bye Calvin Klein, Express and all my skinny ass business and party attire)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Christmas Spirit Blah

Yay!  It's over! We made it!  Whoo Hooo!   Guess I should tone down my Christmas spirit bah humbug attitude.   I'm so sorry but I was not into the holiday spirit this year.   I just wanted to get to the other side of normal.   The only time I truly "felt" it was at our Christmas Eve service at church.   When we light the candle and sing.  Then our pastor makes us feel so warm and blessed.  

And to be honest, after a month of all this decor and tinsel around me I feel like I'm going to choke.  Or maybe start looking like a hoarder's home.  

I never can remember if it's considered bad luck or good luck to take down your tree before New Year's Day? I've never made it to New Year's without taking down my Christmas crap.     I snuck in my empty Christmas bins today and started packing it up.  Don't want to distress the fam by looking too eager but I want all this gone.  

I mean, I had a great time with friends and family but I'm ready to get it all packed away and de-clutter.   I'm that crazy Mom that will go through my boys rooms 3 days after Christmas with bags to gather stuff for good will.  I love to start my new year knowing there aren't any shirts or pants no one will be wearing left in my home.    ADD? OCD?  No idea.   

For the next 3 months til April 1st (the official day around here to plant, drag out plants and be outside again) I will be snuggled in my heating blanket watching my DVR and only going outside if it's absolutely necessary.  Like yoga and the liquor store. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Yoga Pants

To make up for my lazy day yesterday I headed out Christmas shopping early today.  I know I know I did most of it on Amazon.  Can I just say I love love love Amazon??   Anything you want or can think of and "click" it's yours.   Anyway, there were still a few things on the list I needed and hey, if I ran across a good sale then bonus for me.

Wore my red boots because nothing says festive and fun like red boots.

Got a few great deals and even got a new pair of black yoga pants to go with the 17 that I already have.   Who ever invented yoga pants is my idol.  Need to run to the grocery? yoga pants.  Need to go to the school?  yoga pants.  Wal-mart? Target?  Definitely  yoga pants. (although you can get by with some sketchy outfits at those two)  Yoga class?  You got it.  yoga pants. 

It was a great day.  Christmas music playing. I was all alone. Glitter everywhere. Got my list done.  Very few screaming kids out. (that will change tomorrow. Hence, the reason for today's shopping) No crowds.  Just the way I love to shop.  

Oh, and for those of you who don't believe my lack of expertise in le kitchen. I tried making a Christmas treat from that evil Pinterest.  2 effing ingredients. Hershey Kisses and pretzels.  Did you know those things will burn like a mutha?   They will.  Smoke detector and all.  God awful smell will turn you off chocolate for at least a day.  Gah.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Liquor Delivery Service

Today I found myself still in my pajamas.   It's 3pm.   After the last 7 days I was not putting on clothes for anything. I am whipped.   Plus, the maid hasn't come and all my leggings and yoga pants are in the laundry.  (maid=me)   

Question:  Where do you have to live to have liquor delivered to you??   Seriously, I can't be the only Mom in town still in her jammies needing a pick me up. 

I could say I am thoroughly exhausted from all this Christmas shopping.  But, clicking the pay now button for my Amazon cart probably wouldn't elicit sympathy in most shoppers.   C'mon you can get ANYTHING (even vibrators.  So I heard ;) on Amazon.  Why fight the crowds?

Which, is what I did Saturday.  Did you hear me?? Saturday.  With a 13 year old boy.  My 14 year (baby boy#2) had his first "date".   He took her to a movie.  I gave him money and asked if he would be embarrassed if I filled his pockets with candy.  duh.  No go.  But, sweet date girl did just that.   Good girl.  

Baby boy #3 and I decided to hang around in movie vicinity to shop.   Where do I begin??   Shopping with a 13 year old boy? (bad)  The Toys R Us store??? (effing nightmare) The bitch who flipped me off over a parking spot?( I won)  Dirty, hot sweaty crowds (effing 68 degrees and everyone wearing boots and scarves)  and at least 3 crying children (I meant screaming) in each store the entire time. OMG    Where the hell did all these cowboy families come from???? (I'm talking hats, boots, shiny belts)  Mall with no parking spots.   Police on horses.  (I know, I was confused too)  Running in to too many school friends Moms.   (Don't worry, my fakey smile was well in place) 

Then Christmas concerts, school events, church events, boys exams, field trips, karate promotions (Yay, baby boy #3 is now advanced orange Hai Karate!  Wasn't that a cologne?) Oh, then I actually worked several days through all this.  Kudos to all Moms who work full time and do all this crap btw.   Gah, what a whiner I am.

Which full circle finds me in my jammies on Tuesday.   My productivity for today included going through my 73 emails.  22 texts. Working on my Itunes library. Nap.  Crying over me breaking my Kindle yesterday.  Nap. Excitement for my replacement Kindle arriving today!  Working (yes,  I actually work sometimes. ) from Internet.  Nap.

Best funny of the day.  My brother wanted my address to mail Christmas card.  WTF.  We see each other all the time.  We live 1 mile apart.   So, being the smart ass that I am I replied my address as 123 Down The Road.   He replied back "Have a F^&%ing  Merry Christmas."   lol  Classic.  

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Grief & Tragedy

After the last couple of days I have seen no reason to blog.   My blogs to me are smarmy, narcissistic rambling thoughts of me.  There is not a need or a want from me or anyone else for that right now.  

My thoughts now keep crashing to the horrific tragedy in Connecticut.   First, thinking of those excruciating minutes as a parent waiting to hear if your child is alright.  Then their not. Not ok.  Then thinking of how they couldn't  even see their children until the investigation at the school was complete.  Thinking, how can you know your poor baby is laying all day and night in the school where they fell with no comfort to them or you and not go insane.

So many people voicing their rage and blame.  "If only", "If only",  If only" is all I have heard.  None of that is going to change this outcome.   And it would take so many changes along with luck to even maybe stop the next tragedy.  

I have no soap box to stand on for this issue.  All I have is sympathy and prayer. 

I went upstairs to my hall of pictures.  3 boys. Infant through now.  All their sweet   faces.  I stopped at their kindergarten photos.  Started crying because I have no way of knowing nor easing those parents in pain. 

My oldest son called me last night from Guam.  When I heard his precious voice it made me cry.  He's coming home in 3 weeks.  I will see his face finally after 1 1/2 years.   I want him home safe under my roof with his brothers.  I started crying again after we hung up thinking already about when he leaves again.  
But then I remind myself he along with my other two sons are healthy and alive while others are not.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Jingle All The Way

I like to call this particular time frame Holiday Hell Week.  All Moms (and probably 3 Dads) know what I'm talking about.  Those 6 or 7 days  before schools let out for the Christmas break.  Or Winter Break.  Whatever.  We know what it is.  

Whatever you call it, for me it's crammed with  school cookie baking,  Christmas plays, concerts, karate evaluations, church functions, etc.  Throw in some exams and jingle all the way.  

Is there a reason we have to cram all this in one week???  Again, I'm trying to promote the gray, cold boring days in January, February & March.  Don't bother me after April 1st, I'm in the home stretch for summer. 

I just love fighting the crowd at Wal-mart last night to get 1 tiny item for baby boy #2's project. Due today of course.  Was told about it yesterday.  Super.  Every freak and scooter driving person was there.  I thought about combining some grocery shopping while I was there but after seeing that crazy scene I just wanted out.  And when I check out in the garden center I refuse to take my receipt over the the lady sitting down.  If she wants it so bad she can scoot her walker over to me.  I mean, if she's a good worker she just saw me make my purchases anyway.  I'm not being mean I'm just in a hurry.

I have baked cookies, hemmed tuxedo pants, schlepped kids to practices, bought tickets to concerts and committed myself to events that I'm not sure I can be at two places at once.  (That's tonight feat)  

Why do I allow myself get swept up in this mayhem?  I'll tell you why.  Cause I love my babies.  And if they are involved in something they enjoy then I will encourage them.  Even if it means sitting in concerts that you hope are good enough not to make it to YouTube.   I will run to my least favorite stores to get project materials that hopefully will inspire creativity to  make an A.  I will bake cookies that are so delicious they will sing like angels.  I will let them practice their Hong Kong Fooey  karate chops on me. 
I mean it's only a week.....

Monday, December 10, 2012

Weekend Fun

Oh Joy!   A rainy Monday!!!  You know how I love these!!   No. Seriously do.

The weekend was wonderfully warm and I got to laze around due to baby boy #3 being sick.   Friday he comes home with a fever.  Friday night I'm woken up with him beside me saying "Mom. Mom. I think I'm going to ...."(insert barfing retching noises here)  Those are always fun ways to wake up to.  It's dark, you have no idea who's barfing, where it's going, or if your going to step in it trying to get to a light.  You just feel bad for whomever the poor victim is.   So I spent Saturday fluffing pillows, administering Tylenol, and running a cool wash cloth over poor baby 3.   Saturday night was a repeat of Friday night.  Seriously.   Damn, I gave him a little soup too soon.......

Note to all you hubbys out there.  When wifey says "please bring home gatorade" for your Exorcist style vomiting child  for the love of God  DO NOT bring home red or blue or even green flavors. Seriously!!!   I learned that lesson forever ago.   Those colors will come shooting out of every orifice of your poor child and it will always end up on sheets or carpet.   And that shit stains!!! (no pun intended. snicker)

So, of course those are the colors MY hubs brings home to #3......... And yes I gave him the choice of cleaning the multi colored puke or poop that was sure to happen if he drank those or going back and getting the clear or piss yellow flavors.  Not a word.  Good fella went straight back to store.  Smart man.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Serial Killer

The house is empty as I get in the shower.   Halfway through shaving first leg my dog Sugar starts barking in my room crazy like.   Crap. OMG.    I'm on the second floor.  Is it a serial killer?  burglar? Did I lock the bathroom door? Have I locked any doors?? I have nothing but my dull razor and tooth brush as my only defense. (yes, I brush my teeth in the shower)  I leave the shower running just to throw off my would be killer, grab my towel, jerk the door open hoping the element of surprise would scare him   (it's always a him isn't it?) away. Or at least the sight of my naked middle age body might stun him for a split second.   

Nothing.   No killer. No burglar. Just my dorky dog sitting on the bed.  Does that mean she heard something downstairs?  Saw a bird fly pass the window? Just to make sure I go downstairs with soap all over me. (not nearly as sexy as in the movies my friends) Doors are all locked.  Everything is fine.

You would think that after going through this routine at least once a week I would a) make sure the doors are locked b) ignore the dog c) come to realize that a serial killer is not lurking my neighborhood EVERY SINGLE WEEK or any other week that I'm aware of.

  So, I have no idea why I fall for my dogs weekly scare.    Probably because in all the movies I've seen and books I've read  the first time you let your guard down  WHACK. Sliced and diced.  But, that's ok.  My razor, loofah and I are ready. 

My Love Hate Relationship with Christmas

I have a love hate relationship with Christmas.    I hate it because every freaking year we talk about the "meaning is lost" which is true. yadda yadda yadda. But, we still do it anyway.  My fam goes to church and know what the true meaning is and participate in food drives, angel trees, etc. But, rewarding as that is it doesn't stop the forced participation of commercialized Christmas.    Jeez, I'm starting to sound like a crotchety old man. 

I hate being forced to buy my angels (who honestly need a little lesson of receiving coal....) bloody expensive gifts when I can get them 1/2 off on the 26th or any other time of the year. I hate breaking into a sweat putting up the tree because we live in the south then turning around and mowing the yard on the same day.   I hate that Christmas is crammed in with Fall Break, Halloween, Thanksgiving.  Really,  I should bite my tongue because I know why Christmas is when it is.   But, there is so little going on in January, Feb and March and it is crappy cold with nothing to do...........

I do love shopping and seeing all the glittery decorations.  And sometimes you will catch one of your favorite Christmas songs.   Not the freakin Justin Bieber poke my eye out version.   And on that note, is there only one decent Christmas song that comes out every 20 years????   Must we listen to the same 16 songs that we have listened too since the 80's??? WTF.

And please please please don't get me started on Elf on The Shelf.  Where do I begin?????   Um, my boys were threatened with the head honcho himself.  Santa Claus.   They didn't make $30 elves to make a mess for me to clean up.  But, now that I have teenagers I'm tempted to buy one just to have some fun.   No messes.  But, some Mom fun by placing an elf where an IPhone or Ipod should be.  Or leaving an empty box of pop tarts with the elf in it. Or maybe wrapping empty boxes with elves in them for Christmas.  Omg I am laughing right now just thinking of it.  That to me is freaking funny.   Paybacks to teenagers.  Gotta love that. 


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me

Wow, birthdays have a way of sneaking up on you.   I woke up to find a dead mouse by my bed courtesy of my evil cat Jynxi.  Ahhhh, he remembered my birthday and gave me a gift.   Nothing like hiking out back with a dead mouse  with bbq tongs (I'll wash them twice I promise)  And seriously bbq tongs are on my top 5 cleaning tools.   Anyhoo, had to toss mouse in back corner of yard (fondly referred to as animals that have been killed by Jynxi cemetary)  

My sweet baby boy #2 txt'd me from school to wish me a happy birthday and telling me not to do any housework today.   Okayyyyyyyy, sounds like a plan but it will just make double for me tomorrow.   Oh, well the thought that counts.

Then opened my laptop to be freaked out by lots of FB Happy Birthdays!  Yikes! If that doesn't wake you up.....Still, very sweet from all my FB friends and the other people who don't know me but know when my birthday is................

Off to the Dentist.  See, that's how little I think of my birthday. I obviously didn't pay attention when I made that appt.   Hey, anyway nothing beats a set of slick shiny pearly whites and my dentist commented on my red boots.  Yay Me!

Then to the bank.  Where the bank lady wished me Happy Birthday after I had to ask for the date.  I'm a moron.

Then a package from Blogher in the mail!   Was it a check? Are they dying to syndicate my blogs??   Um, no.  It was a free razor for giving an opinion about  a blog.  Oh well, that's cool too.  Mine is so dull that I just go through the motions of shaving anyway.

On that note,  It's off the folks for food and drink.  My Mom will undoubtedly have champagne (half gone of course) and my brothers will most assuredly give me some fabulous Princess cards.   Happy Birthday to Me!!

And for all of those who don't know me so well and are dying to hear what the hubs got me for said birthday. (This is for all the gals I know who's husbands are dead meat if there isn't flowers, dinner and gifts for their birthday) Not me.   He gave me the perfect gift.  He was out of town for work for several days!!!  Again, Yay Me!!!  Whooo hooo.  White Christmas and all my favorite girly shows on DVR!!  Then he actually surprised me with pink roses delivered (my fav color)   I wondered why he kept texting me and calling.  I finally said Don't you have work to do?  Quit buggin me!! (actually, I wasn't even that nice and I might have thrown in a couple of bad words) Apparently he was wondering if I got flowers.  Hmmmmmm, note to self:  be nice to people around your birthday.  Don't be a bitch in case someone is sending flowers.   Good advice.

You Will Be Like Your Mother One Day

For every woman that has a Mom or Dad that may drive her nuts at times  maybe we drive them just as nuts.(I know, surely not right?)  It's hard to imagine as adults that we could possibly still be treated as children.  But you can.   

My Mom was asking where my birthday list was.   Birthday list???  Jeez, what am  I 12?   I don't have a list.  Then she got miffed and told me to get her my list.  So, I just scribble pajamas, botox, boots.   When she reads the botox part she gives me the Mom look and says you are not putting poison in your face!  Just kidding Mom.  Relax.  

My dad still lectures me on finances and car maintenance. When I go over to their house you can always find him outside at some time going through my car like I was a teenager.  (still not sure what he's looking for. Condoms? Pot?  He's never found those before and I'm pretty sure after 3 kids and 17 yrs of marriage he's not gonna find that now)   I lecture right back and get him so fired up.  I find it amusing. I ask him "Daddy do you know how old I am"?  Quit lecturing me.   I want to help them out now and give them advice but you would think by their faces I'm still a little girl. 

What's not amusing is the term I always hated to hear.  "You are so much like your mother"!  Or "You'll be like your parents some day".   No I won't.   Nope. Never. Nada.  

Never say never.  (one of my top five quotes)   

I've caught myself lately thinking I'm getting more and more like my Mom.  

Someone told me recently how much I look like my Mom.   I've always hated that but, as I was looking at my Mom I've alway thought how pretty she is.   So, I'll gladly take the compliment now.     

Mom took me shopping this week and she said and did some funny things.  Kinda flaky and flighty.  Just like me.  And it made me laugh.   So maybe we should just let them be and just nod and say ok like when we were kids. 
Plus, she bought me smoking new birthday boots and her some too.  Very cool.  

So, I'll try and relax and listen to their wisdom (snore)  because life as I know it would be very boring.  :)

My Mom looking in the mirror to see how boots look from back.  Same as I do!

Monday, December 3, 2012

What Is Everyone Looking For?

I was setting up a new Facebook account today for my blog.  I figured surely my 400 FB friends (ie. 7 real friends) are tired of me directing them to my blog.  I'm sure they would much rather hear about something funny my cat did or what we had for I have to.  So, my question is why on most social media sites it asks "what are your looking for"?  Man? Woman?   Um,  I'm not looking for anything.   Why do these sites assume everyone is "looking" for something?

I have a husband, 3 sons, dog, cat, parrot, family, in-laws, friends, acquaintances, and the list goes on and on.  I can certainly say I'm not "looking" for anything.  I have plenty and then some.  Maybe just "looking" for some peace and quiet.   Or, why can't you have other options like "looking for new flooring" or "looking for blog lovers"  I'm not sure why looking for a man or woman is your only option. Isn't that what singles sites are for??

It could be because I just got home from yoga and I'm feeling especially yin yangy but, I'm happy with what I have.  (other than my crappy kitchen counter tops)  I'm happy with me. 

My theory is this may be the best it ever gets so enjoy.... 

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Bitchin Thoughts

Well,  I was 2 days shy of accomplishing the 30 blogs in 30 days for November.  And to be honest. I didn't want to.  At the end I felt like a child being forced to do something.   So, instead of blogging I took a break from FB, Bloghers, Blogs I love, Pinterest and did no technology required stuff.  (Of course my IPhone and Kindle don't count!) 

Failed one of my previous blogs "do nots" by accidentally going shopping with hubs.  Went to lunch together remembered we needed t.p. ran into Wal-Mart and within 7 minutes of us being there we both said at the same time "I will never go effing  shopping with you again". 

The weather has been freaking fantastic (Said in a British accent) so I spent 3 hours yesterday working on the yard.  December 1st.  Only in the south.  :)

Oh, and of course someone might notice I have been playing around on my blog.  My new names are not going over so well so I thought I would change up my background and whatnot.   I was digging Serendipity Me but a GF told me it sounded like I was all zen and granola like.  Bitch.

Mouthy Me and Southern Mouth were in the running for my sarcastic mouth but hubs thinks they sound too oral. WTF.  Oral???  I told him I wrote a blog that mainly airs my bitchin thoughts (sorry, been wanting to use bitchin for some reason)   for mainly women. So those are actually still in the running.   Can you say Archie Bunker??  Apparently he hasn't read one of my favorite blogs.  CUSS & Other Rants (Cuss standing for Campaign for Unshaven Snatch)  So it's fairly safe to say I'm pretty mild :)