Friday, March 29, 2013

Round-Abouts and Road Rage

Between the boys and all my crappy errands I "run" the roads daily.   (Why, oh why do I end up at Wal-Mart every other day???)    Anyway,   our area got some round-a-bouts within the last year.   I think their fun and keep traffic flowing.  For those of you who don't know what these are it is a circle in place of a four way stop that keeps traffic going without the congestion and stopping.

I love going through them pretending I'm a race car driver.   But,every  freakin day there is the person who treats it like a four way stop.   My boys call me a round-about Nazi.  (I'm also a Christmas Nazi for people who leave their ornaments and lights up after January but that's for another blog)  

Today I yelled and cussed and layed on the horn for everyone who struggled with the round-about.  (I was alone) "Keep moving"!!!   "It's a f****** round about!!!"

I should probably get a different car or borrow Archie's.   Because now since I'm not a lucky gal someone will recognize the maniac road rage me at church, wal-mart, wal-greens, target, Kohl's or anyplace when I'm least expecting it.   Gah!   Maybe I should have thought about that before my road tirades......

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Women of The Y

For all the talk I do about yoga, Zumba, working out etc. you'd think I'd be smokin hot.  Not the case.  I work out so my bedroom walls won't be cut out and 17 paramedics won't get back injuries dragging my fat ass out. If you ever watch TLC it happens. 

Sure I'm exaggerating but the older I get the harder it is to keep it off.  So, I'm beefing up my workouts to include treadmills, weights, personal trainers that are so not as hot as the ones on TV.   Which means instead of running into a class at the Y I am using the locker room more frequently.

This morning I got finished with le workout and bee bopped into the Women's locker room only to find two silver headed gals on the bench in front of my locker.  Naked.  Naked.  Buck Naked.   I skidded to a halt and stood there like a moron.  The gal with her foot hiked up on the bench says "good morning"!  
I think my response was "gud gak iling"  That's what it sounded like.  I mean, there was no rushing to get their clothes on.  And I'm still standing there since my locker is blocked. I think they were discussing recipes but really with the rushing of all the blood to my face who could tell.

Slowly they dress in what looks to be flesh colored undies.  Why?  Flesh colored??  Why bother now??  So they can continue to look naked?  Just made everything even more well, fleshy.

I saw things today that scarred me.   I'm all for aging gracefully but shit. All I could think of was I hope somebody uses Lysol Wipes on these benches.   And as long as there are pretty undies, sporty bras, plastic surgeons and tanning cream then I'm good no matter how old and fat I get.  And for the mother of all goodness a razor or some wax can do wonders.  (I'm talking to you naked Y ladies)

I think tomorrow I will just leave my stuff in the car......

Monday, March 18, 2013

Empty Nester

I have felt like one of those empty nester parents lately.  Archie took sweet middle child to visit family up north.   Up north.  I don't go with them because it's up north.  As in, colder than here (which was 75 this weekend booyah!)  as in, Children of The Corn type area.  As in, St. Patty's Day being treated like a National Holiday with everyone acting the fool.  

While I (the good,mean,fun-sucking parent) stayed home and finished a DUE BY MONDAY (didja get that part??)  school project with darling youngest child.  I mean, we started at 3:00 on Friday and finished last night kind of project.  Shoot me.   There went my crazy wild (ok, yard work with some shopping thrown in) weekend.   

Archie and middle child will get home on Tuesday and youngest project child will jaunt off to Washington DC for school (I'm sure due to my fabulous grade I"M getting on the mutha f****** project)   With oldest man child in Guam I'll  basically have 1 child home for next week or so.   

It's much more fun to embarrass two or three at once.  Dancing around pantless singing won't be the same this week.   Luring them to Target to look at "games" but instead buying Mom underwear is one of my favorite things to do.  Can't believe they fall for it time and time again. Or how about when they ask for dinner and I reply "Dinner?? Am I still responsible for that??   bahahahah   Their looks are priceless.  

Archie won't know what's coming this week. Looks like my pranks will be all on him this week.   ;)   And trust me, I have some dandy's lined up after my project weekend from hell.    Details to follow.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

It's Wabbit Season

In my haste for Spring I have forgotten a few things that come along with my love of Spring.  

The high pitched squeal/scream of a baby bunny by my bed clutched in my cat's mouth. (yesterday)  And let me tell you it is an unearthly sound at 5 am.   Good news is I saved it (the bunny) by getting it from the cat with an umbrella (as often as this happens to me you would think I would have a baby bunny, chipmunk, squirrel etc. rescue kit handy....)

I stood outside this morning and took a deep breath of sunshiny air.  And immediately started sneezing.  Again, am I challenged???   I've lived here long enough to know never ever ever open the door without taking a Zyrtec upon wakening.

And last, to quit forgetting I don't have a maid and I have to clean the inside before I can go play outside.  I effing hate this rule.  Inside is boring.  cleaning kitchen is boring.  Laundry is super boring.   Mowing and weed eating, planting and mulching are fun!

Friday, March 8, 2013

My Neighbor Fred

Golly,  I am lagging behind in the blog department huh?  Can't believe it's already Friday.  You know how you have funny things that come to you or you see during the week and you aren't near your computer or you are just too ditzy to remember them?   That's me this week.  I laughed at some funny things this week but seriously can't remember most of them.   I thought I must be getting Alzheimer's.   So, I did one of those online quizzes to check.  Nope, I'm just a dumb ass.  Super.

So, It's Friday and I get all cozy in my home office with the 2nd purchased printer of the week.  I have no idea why the wireless part quit working on my old one.  So, bought a new one.  Didn't work.  Bought another one.  Now I'm waiting......  When did software become firmware?? 

While I'm waiting my neighbor Fred (seriously his name)  cranks up his motorcycle which sounds like it's right next to my head. Leaves it running oh, about 45 effing minutes then drives down to the cul-d-sac and comes back. WTF.   Give it up Fred.  Your not going anywhere on that thing.  You never have and you never will.  Now I have a headache.