Monday, January 28, 2013

Wal-Mart Tunes

I hope everyone is as lucky as me in that their local Wal-mart plays Sweet Home Alabama loudly while I shop.....

Who Gave Birth In My Bed

Hi, My name is Teresa and I'm a bed whore.    4-5 years ago of sleeping on 25 yr old hand me down mattresses Archie and I figured we were grown up enough to buy new mattresses.  I have lost sleep, raised 3 babies in our crummy beds 

So we did,  we bought new mattresses for the boys, guest room and my room.
It is my room because I clean it.  I decorate it and it smells good.   And if you piss me off  or fall asleep watching a ball game on the couch it is my bed.  

We just call it The Big Bed.   It's tall, king size with 42 pillows that yes I use and need.  It is a pillow top plush I'm never getting out of kind of bed with 3 mattress covers, 2 fitted sheets and has that princess and the pea quality.  It's heaven.  I adore my bed.  Don't f#$% with me if it's not time to get out of my big bed. 

  If you are sick you are allowed to sleep in the Big Bed.  Mommy will take care of you if your in the Big Bed.  

My question is this.  And if there is an easy answer and I'm just stupid please don't hesitate to point this out.

I change every ones sheets once ok maybe every 2 weeks max.   Teenage sheets get pretty funky and crusty that's all I'm saying.  But,  I need to know where these funky stains begin on my pristine big bed???

There is a stain near the corner where someone took all my sheets and covers off and apparently gave birth??   I don't know anyone that I am comfy enough with to say "hey, if you go into labor hop up in my bed".   I even accused Archie of having a massive head wound and not telling me to make such an freaking creepy stain.   Even if it was one of these options the location boggles my mind.  

I have used soap, water, bleach which helps a little but WTF and where did it come from???   I had all my girl stuff removed so it's not I'm leaking all over  the place like those fun times in my 30's.   Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Fix Yourself Up

I was reading this gals blog about taking time to make yourself "presentable" for the day. That you shouldn't let yourself get into a rut and let yourself "go"  Even if your not going anywhere take a few minutes to "fix up" and get dressed.  She was talking to women and or Moms who run around in pajamas and no make-up.  As I was reading I got a chill down my spine.  Was my web cam on???  Did this bitch know me???  Is she spying on me???? WTF.

I know I have seriously got to quit wearing le jammies to drop off boys who miss bus (duh, if they miss the bus we are late and I don't have time to "fix up" or to answer the door (If your at my door unannounced then what you see is your own fault)

  I'm waiting for that one day where I have a fender bender in front of the school and I'm standing there in my favorite leopard flannel pj's and Tinkerbell toboggan.   While all the while all my school  peeps (likes and don't likes) are driving by.   Accompanied by my boys mortification (bonus) .

I don't want to fix up just to take a nap.  I'll fix up later when I have to go to the gym or Target.   But, bitch don't try and make me feel guilty for not fixing up to sit in front of my computer blogging about bitches like you while keeping an eye on my laundry. 

And for some reason when I'm looking my worst it turns Archie into a sex crazed horn dog.  

Saturday, January 26, 2013

3 Weeks of Fantastic

Gahhh.   I just saw my sweet baby boy #1 off.   Back to Guam.  Back to the mother effing  Navy who won't send him home often enough.   (I know, the military is for our freedom yadda yadda and I support that)  but not today.  I'm surly and emotional this morning.

We had 3 fabulous weeks of laughs. All 3 of my boys picked up like they havn't been apart this long.   And I must say as far as daughter-in-laws go mine is pretty awesome.   She makes me laugh alot.  (bonus)  Of course she is 7000 miles away so we don't have time to get on each others nerves.   Yet.   

Me, pretending to hog my son's attention.  

Today will be as follows:   Stay in my pajamas. Cry. Take something prescriptiony.  Cry. Fall asleep.  Wake up.  Cry. And cry some more.  Then continue this cycle for the week.

To all my peeps.  I would appreciate offerings left on my doorstep for my separation anxiety that I will experience for the next week.   Casseroles and brownies are always welcome.  And wine.   Or beer.  

Friday, January 25, 2013

I Walk The Line

Since I started this blog I have been walking a very thin line.    The line that keeps me from being completely unfiltered on my thoughts and views and the other side who is secretly scared of being totally offensive to some people I know.

What's that you say???   Teresa scared??  Of what people think???? Hell to the no. 

I was told in the beginning of blogging that if you want to be free and honest with your words you need to be anonymous.   Well, how do you get your blog out there if not by your friends and their friends etc......   So, I wasn't anonymous. And it worked. But it cracks me up when someone from say church sidles up to me and whispers "I loved your post this week about licking balls".   

These people are so worried their names will pop up in fancy flashing letters on my blog if they comment or "like" it!!    Remember,  I'm in the bible belt folks.  And that's ok.  

So,  I've decided to get off the fence.  If you are easily offended make this the last post you read from me.   And if I change the blog name it's not to be anonymous but just to change it up.  (still digging Sassy Pants!)

I will still be the fabulous, caring, phenomenal gal and mom you know.   Just being a little more honest in my thoughts.  (most of this stuff you have thought of anyway.  Don't lie)

Now I can start my  weekly "Don't Be a Dick" post!!!    

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

My Winter Discontent

My least favorite time of year is upon me.    That dreary cold 3 months between Christmas and April 1st.    Gray, dismal, shall I go on???   My fashion style these next 67 days and counting will be suburban bag lady.  

Of course, spring baseball will be a pick me up during all this.   Of course I'll be watching my 14 yr. old play while I'm bundled up in the car.  Awesome Mom huh?    

Then we've got my Atlanta Braves starting Feb 22nd down in Lake Buena Vista.   My future retirement community.   Uggla, My Man McCann, Freeman and smoking hot Reed Johnson I'll see you boys soon.  

So, for all of you fellow winter haters hang in there. 67 days. 

           Sorry, I couldn't resist this one.  Saw one recently and that's exactly what I thought. Bahahahahahahaha

Monday, January 21, 2013

Dear Neighbors

Dear neighbors,

Thank you for being so sweet in telling me how much you love our trees every season. :) That how lucky we are to have such wonderful shade in the summer and how lovely our yard looks.  About how tall and majestic the trees are.   How their colors in the fall are gorgeous.  How lucky we are to have such great trees.

Dear neighbors, 

Thank you for watching me pick up all the broken branches that flew all over my yard and your driveways during this week"s rain/wind storm.  I know I was in purple polka dotted bottoms but would it have killed  you to maybe pick up a branch or two since you love my effing trees so much???  Instead of watching me do it.  alone.      

This spring you are banded from enjoying my trees.   If I catch you enjoying or looking at my trees I will chase you with my rusty rake.  

Your Fabulous Neighbor with the great trees.

All Aboard The Crazy Train

 Whew! For the last couple of weeks I thought I have  lost my snark.  I have absolutely had nothing sarcastic or bitchy to say.  What's wrong with me???  Am I going vanilla???? I hate vanilla (even vanilla ice cream)   Shoot me now if that's the case.  

Maybe it has something to do with baby boy #1 being home.  We have had so much fun and laughs.  What happened to the slobby teenage boy he used to be???  Well, he's still slobby but that doesn't seem to matter now.  I even enjoy doing his laundry.   I fold it as carefully and lovingly as if it were newborn onesies  like I did when he was a new baby.   Gah.  I'm a marshmallow.  

Saturday night we had all the fam over to see our sailor.  Can you say all aboard the crazy train?   I don't know about you but I can only handle my fam all together in small dosages.   I caught myself staring at these people that I'm related to and listening to the craziness that came out of there mouths. My Mom seriously thinks he's a Navy Seal. (he's not)  All the while ignoring my son's frantic eye contact to get him out of bizarre conversations. OMG  Is this hereditary?  I love them so much but they are nutso.  

 My youngest brother Eric who has gone from being a hip downtown living cool dressing guy  to mini-van driving middle age man......
 Me secretly laughing and holding down Cory so he can't leave this little soiree........

 So,  I snuck out to my garage   to have a sip (shot) of adult type beverage.  Even though the whole family was inside drinking wine it was nice, dark and quiet in garage.   Except my brother and sailor son were ahead of me.  We sat out there laughing and drinking until someone came looking for us.  Maybe I'm the crazy one.  Whatever.  Crazy families make me laugh.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

3 Snowflakes

My 13 yr old son came home today and was so excited because there were three snowflakes on his weather app for our area.  Three snowflakes.  Three.  Sweet child.  He is the youngest of my babies and is as clueless and hairless as a  toddler. 
Puberty has not hit yet and to him the possibility of 3 snowflakes has him digging through his closet as I type to make sure his snow boots and sleds are handy........Some days I wish there was a baby pouch big enough for him so I could carry him around!!!!

Monday, January 14, 2013

My Lust of Rainy Days

Another rainy day!  Bonus!   My house is clean. The boys are back in school. I'm all alone with the sound of rain.  My absolutely fabulous kind of day. And I took a fat nap this afternoon.  Could it get any better?  I think not. 

I hope everyone has a lovely day rainy or not.  :)

Friday, January 11, 2013

Sassy Pants

So, I've been thinking of a new blog name for quite a while.   I've had some people (not naming names) who thinks Teresa's Tidbits sounds like I love DIY projects. (I don't) or cook well (Still don't)  so after thinking and thinking and then forgetting......I just love Sassy Pants.   No one else does.   Some think I need to throw my southerness in the mix like Southern Sass, Snarky Sass etc..
If anyone wants to cast a vote please do so.   And I promise your name doesn't show up.   Jeez, southern friends get so freaked if someone "might" think they like to say or read  "bad" things.  Which they do and quite often.......

Sassy Pants.  I imagine jazz hands going when I say it! 

Gas Station Beer

I love me a rainy day.  Always.   

  And I was not the gal you thought you saw that looked like me buying milk and beer at gas station. Wearing 1991 yoga pants  with red satin stripes. With pink crocs. And a toboggan on my head.  And no bra. Nor make-up.  At 10:30 am.

Nope.  Wasn't me.  Must have been my sister.

Monday, January 7, 2013


I'm so excited I'm about to bust or maybe combust?  Whichever is more fun that's where I'm at.   My sweet darling baby  boy #1 Cory is on his way home as I type.   Home for 3 weeks from 7,000 miles overseas in The Navy.  (cue: The Village People)  I have not seen his precious face (other than Skype) in  a year and a half.   For all you Moms out there thank you for that shared stab of pain you felt when you read that!

For those who don't know me it started like this:

1.  Baby boy#1 joins the Navy while the rest of fam are at the beach.  (We had already talked about it and told him to wait.  We wanted to go and talk with recruiter like good parents should)

2.  Mom has heart attack (not really) and starts drinking heavily at said beach when received the news.

3.  Mom comes unglued when baby boy #1 ships off for boot camp and cries for six straight weeks.

4. Mom goes to graduation ceremony and is so proud yet comes unglued again.

5. Baby boy#1 gets orders to report to Guam.  Again, we were on a little vacay with the fam when we recieved this nugget of information.   Mom is still unglued from previous steps and adds Xanax to the mix.

6.  Baby boy #1 let's Mom know he will be stationed in Guam for 4 years and be gone on "missions" periodically with no contact to Mom.

7.  Mom adds Oreo's and mexican food to drinking and Xanax and is turning into a fat ass upon hearing baby boy#1 and fiance are getting married in Guam with a 4 week notice.

8.  Mom lays off the Oreo's and starts back to gym and yoga.  Mom starts blogging between crying.

9.  Mom watches Flight Tracker for 27 hours to make sure baby boy#1 and wife arrive safely on US mainland soil.   That period of time involved an entire box of tissues, 2 Xanax, and several (several? few? 10?) bottles of Stella Artois beer.  Hubs rolls his eyes at me periodically.

10.  Today.  Cleaning house with joy and vigor.  Have told teenage boys they are not allowed to use their bathroom or kitchen until their brother and sister-in-law arrives.  They are not impressed.  To them he is still just their older stinky brother. Hubs is keeping mouth closed and cleaning upstairs for me.  (his way of showing excitement. Seriously.) Tomorrow  I will see my baby boy#1 and have all three baby boys under my roof!!!   Yay!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Chinese Fortunes

4 fortune cookies left over from dinner. Nobody wanted them so I claimed them.  I don't read horoscopes or "see signs" everywhere but, I'll gladly take these 4 jewels  :)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My Dyson Love Affair

I saved taking down our real Christmas tree for last.  Last because I was trying to keep it up for Cory (baby boy#1) to see when he comes home on Jan. 9th.  Did you hear me??  My sweet baby boy is coming home from the Navy on the 9th!!!! Whooo Hooooo!!!!!   He will be home for three weeks!  Even though everyone knows I love to get my "Christmas crap" put away I thought it would be nice for him to see it.   No go.   That sucker was dryer than the Sahara.  I was scared one of my fancy Glade candles would ignite it from another room.  And yes before you ask I watered it and gave it the "stay fresh" drops.  Sounds like a feminine product.   Usually, our live trees last great with proper watering.  This one drank a gallon just about daily and still dried up.   
Took me 7 times vacuuming living room and cleaning out vacuum twice with unclogging nozzle to get up all the needles.  And, if Dyson would like to sponsor me I would gladly rave on their vacuums!!    Those things keep sucking like........well, you get the idea.   (ask hubs he'll gladly tell you!)


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Resolution Gal

Happy New Year!!  For those of you who made awesome New Year's Resolutions  I say rock on and let me know how that works for you..........  I'm not a big resolution gal because of the obvious pitfalls of resolutions.  (By Feb their history)  And I don't put a lot of hype into the new year because the previous year may have been the best your ever going to get.   Can you say pessimist me???!   

All I hope for is another year full of crazy laughter and plenty of opportunities to annoy and amuse my teenage boys.   That's all.  If I get cracked up at least once a day I'm golden. 

So, with that being said I feel I need to share little funnies (yes, some came from that evil Pinterest) that make me wet my pants.    If you don't want to laugh you should probably mosey on elsewhere.............

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